woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
