I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Randomize
