I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
