I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
