Don't you send me to vm
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Randomize
