he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
