Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
