Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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