cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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