It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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