I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
People in love make me want to vomit
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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