Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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