I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
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