It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
