Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
