Barsexuality is the new black.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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