I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
