Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
