i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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