so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Randomize
