Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
