strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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