I looked at my own cervix.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Randomize
