Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
