i just wanna soil my oats bro
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
