My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
