I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
