some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
