Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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