i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
