Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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