I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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