just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
