Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Randomize
