I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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