the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
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