A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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