last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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