Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I want a musical about memes.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize