who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
