Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
