I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Randomize
