we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
