you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize