I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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