So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
