I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
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