i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
