I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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