M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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