babies were throwing up all over the place
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
