My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
