I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Randomize
