There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
