new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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