im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
