My room smells like vodka and shame
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
